I just checked a list of items that are banned in the US Capitol building. The list includes the following items: guns, replica guns, ammunition, stun guns, knives, razors, box-cutters, martial arts weapons, mace and pepper spray, knitting needles, letter openers and water. That means It is illegal to take any of these items into the gallery of the House of Representatives, and congressmen are not allowed to carry them when the House is in session.
This is completely unacceptable! The Republican House of Representatives is in tremendous danger. If anything were to happen on the House floor, there wouldn’t be any brave American citizens in the gallery carrying concealed weapons, ready to subdue the attacker with lethal force. But think of how brave the Republican Congressmen, those guardians of our democracy, must be to go to work every morning in a gun-free environment — in a place where they can’t even carry a knitting needle or a bottle of Evian to defend themselves from an attacker! Think for a moment of the selflessness that they are exhibiting when they try to pass laws allowing concealed weapons in schools. They are willing to put the safety of school children front and center while disregarding the fact that they themselves live with the very same threat every day. We made the right choice when we elected these exceptional men to be our leaders — they are truly willing to brave any danger to keep the children of America safe!
This morning I walked into my usual bagel place and it wasn’t just playing Christmas carols, it was playing Handel’s freakin’ Messiah — the extremely bombastic part, the part that goes “And he shall reign forever and ever,” over and over, forever and ever. That part.
I tried to hang in there long enough to get a bagel but I didn’t make it.
And it occurred to me that conservative pundits have been accusing secular atheinogtics like me of having a war on Christmas for years, so I think it’s about time we had a war on fucking Christmas! I have no problem with having Christmas on December 25 — I actually kind of enjoy it. But I don’t enjoy having Christmas on November 27 and every subsequent day for a month.
So, maybe it’s boycott time. Is it feasible to say, no shopping at places that play Christmas music before, say, December 20? Could we maybe please start a movement?
Personally, I know nothing about boycotts. I only have three sorta-kinda boycotts. First, Wal-Mart. Because. Second, Amazon.com, which is like Walmart except that it treats its employees worse, pays no sales tax or property tax in the communities where it operates, and is bent on the total domination of the publishing industry and, therefore, everything that you read. Third, Chik-Fil-E because they don’t know how to spell, plus that thing with the gays. But that one doesn’t really count because I never ate there anyway.
And I know even less about movements than I do about boycotts. But I’ve never heard anyone talk about how much they love listening to Christmas music on November 27, so I suspect that this could be a movement, if only people weren’t concerned that it would look like they were waging a War on Christmas. But, really, why not? Jeebus and the Fat Man won’t know what hit ’em!
- Indiebound.org — I’m serious about that Amazon.com boycott, by the way. You should buy books here instead of at Amazon.com. You order online and it comes from independent bookstores! Fantastic!